That's it, I have had it. I am tired of spoiled athletes acting like idiots and breaking laws to gain street cred. I am tired of men who get paid to play sports and act as if it's a right and not a privilege. It's time for new leadership. I am taking control here now. I will hold the newly created position of C.O.A.S. -- Commissioner Of All Sports. Well at least the big four, baseball, basketball, hockey and football. Now as the COAS, my first order of business to establish my office. As COAS, I would rule from the COAS-t … Port Aransas, Texas. If the commish is trying to catch fish … talk quickly.
Now that we have a base of operations, let us set some rules. Now most of the rules I would impose are rules that cross all lines of sport and that all the athletes would have to adhere to because, like the saying goes, your soul may belong to the Lord but your ass belongs to me.
First off, sportsmanship is also going to make a comeback. After each game, both teams will take a page from the Little League handbook and shake hands. Taunting will merit serious fines, and there will be no antics that take the focus away from the team. You can spike, you can dance and you can celebrate. But if you pull a sharpie out of your sock, the team doctor will have to remove it from where I will put it. There is also going to be an age limit. Nobody is playing until they are 21. If you can win a title but can't drink the champagne, wait your turn. Each rookie will attend life skills training. They will learn that not everyone needs to be in your posse and that you can do your own laundry, cook you own food and only need 10 throwback jerseys instead of 20. Each team will provide counselors for the rookies who will be their shadow through their entire first year.
This business of star athletes believing that they are allowed to act however they want and that the rules of society do not apply to them ends now. If you break a rule, you incur the consequences. None of this "play until your appeal goes through" BS. You will be give ample time to represent yourself and plead your case. But if you lose, you serve your suspension immediately.
Drug testing will be done random and often. You don't like it? The CFL is hiring. You fail a drug test, you go straight to rehab, and we will pay for it because we want you to succeed. However if you fail a second test, you are suspended for a year and back to rehab -- this time on your own dime. A third time? Laters. These same rules apply for drug and alcohol related arrests. If you are convicted of a crime, you are suspended for one year, period.
If an athlete gets in trouble for domestic violence, he will be enrolled in automatic counseling and anger management courses, as well as mandatory community service at a rape crisis center or battered women's shelter. Sports is your job, not your life. Off the playing field you will conduct yourselves like the rest of us -- you break a rule, you pay the price. Not fair? Well I hear Japanese Basketball is really competitive. When you live in a city, you are part of that community. People in your community put in a full days work, five days a week year round and most still find time to better their community. Now, so will you. Every player in every sport will have mandatory community interaction. You can visit schools, hospitals, nursing homes whatever you would like, but you will be seen and you will make a positive contribution.
A major problem with today's players is that most of them forget where they came from and how they got started. More importantly, they forget that they are being paid to play a game. That is why all players will be required to be active in local youth sports programs. You will coach, umpire, and even draw the lines on the field. If there are no youth sports programs in your area, start some. You can start a drug free basketball league, umpire little league games, coach a Pop Warner team or organize a roller hockey league. You say you do not have the time? It's ok, those English baseball leagues are always looking for new blood. I should probably get permission from the various players unions … oh wait, they're not in charge! I am!!
My reign is not specifically over the players, the owners are included too. Owners will be limited to how much seating can be given away to corporate sponsors. Try lowering ticket prices and bringing the fans back to the game. Also all contracts for naming rights are hereby terminated. All sports facilities will be renamed after the city or the team that plays there and will be an arena, field or park, i.e. San Antonio Arena. Franchises practicing corporate prostitution ends now. Also, I will implement the "Sterling Rule" where if it is blatantly obvious that you do not wish at least try to field a competitive team, you will lose your franchise and I will move it to a city who will support it. I think Nashville Clippers has a nice ring to it.
So there you have it. New rules for a new day in sport. This will be a day when the fans, the ones who ultimately decide sports' success or failure, have a new voice. A family of four should not have to take out a second mortgage to watch a sporting event where the players are selfish, the owners are greedy and the sodas are watered down. The fans are the life blood of sports and its time to stop the bloodletting. Yes fans, stick with me and together we will emerge from the darkness and make the games fun again.
